On whining

It’s not just for little kids, and it might not be a bug in our culture. Whining might be a feature, something that all humans have a desire to do, regardless of our age or position.

Let’s define whining as a complaint about a situation that’s not easily addressed, often a situation that’s relatively minor or caused by a mismatch of expectations with reality.

While there are stiff-upper-lip codes in some cultures, it takes a lot of work to create and maintain a society where whining is absent and largely self-regulated.

Some organizations, like the Navy SEALS, build their cohesion on not tolerating whining, while others, like aggrieved sports fans, bask in it.

We evolved to live in community, and whining serves a valuable function. When we’re in distress, whining is a call for connection, a way to tell the others that we need some hope or encouragement.

And whining is relative, not absolute. Any self aware first-class traveler has to know that whining about the lack of warmed cashews on the plane is impossible to justify in a world with so many challenges and so much unevenly distributed distress. And yet, when we create the conditions where whining must be avoided, we create stress, especially those that know they can’t justify their whining.

Whining comes from mismatched expectations, from loneliness and from weakness. Whining is a hard-wired way to ask for connection and empathy.

Naturally, whining has downsides, for the whiner and for those around him.

Whining can create a doom loop, an endless cascade of expectation that keeps us from finding joy and possibility. If we get hooked on the solace that comes from whining (either from others, or from our selves) then we start looking for things to whine about. We will minimize our leverage and agency and opportunities, and sink into victimhood.

And, like the boy who cried wolf, the villagers get tired of hearing it after a while.

Understanding the patterns and benefits of whining creates an opportunity for marketers and anyone doing customer service.

If whining is a plea for connection and compassion, the transactional nature of modern customer service doesn’t do the trick. Whine to the doctor and get a prescription? Well, it might help with the ailment, but the patient might really benefit from sixty seconds of empathy instead.

When the harried customer service rep is given the authority and training to pause for a second and have a conversation, acknowledge the problem and take responsibility, not only does the problem often go away, but the connection that follows is even stronger than it was before the incident.

It’s difficult to have empathy for someone with every advantage who persists in whining, but it might be that their weakness and loneliness can only be effectively addressed with acknowledgement, not scorn. Making that connection opens the door for constructive action.

And when we talk to ourselves, perhaps we can have some grace for our own whining, and at the same time that create the conditions and habits to avoid a downward spiral of more of the same. There’s a difference between, “he’s whining,” and “he’s a whiner.” We can do the first and avoid the second.